First and foremost: HAPPY SPRING! As a winter-hater, I am thrilled to be back in the sun, surrounded by flowers, and with summer on its way!
Reading
I am currently deep in a Leslie Jamison phase. I read The Empathy Exams awhile ago, and am finishing The Recovering (with Splinters on deck). She was recently a guest lecturer in a class I took, and while I’d read some of her work before, I hadn’t done a deep dive before, and I’m so glad to be reading her. Jamison is a brilliant writer and critic, and her prose is so smart and lovely. I am not in recovery, and I stopped drinking years ago, but like most people, addiction has affected my life. The Recovering blends her own story with research, and does a great job of writing about a challenging topic with empathy, while still managing to bring the reader into something larger than the story at hand. I’ve been thinking about this specific quote all week:
“All my life I had believed — at first unwittingly, then explicitly — that I had to earn affection and love by being interesting, and so I had frantically tried to become really fucking interesting.”
Writing
I first heard about the Emotion Thesaurus from Becca Freeman. I bought it for my first forays into fiction, and I have found it so useful. If you find yourself repeating words or struggling to find precise language for how you or characters are feeling, it’s so nice to be able to quickly find it, as well as a slew of other words that might fit.
Real talk: I’ve also used it in therapy to better articulate my emotions.
Ranting
This is a rant about apologies, and how to apologize properly. This week, for Reasons, someone owes me an apology (this is not some weird covert dig or comment on my marriage or a close relationship — it’s in a different setting). After hurting my feelings and causing quite a stir, I received a text that said that this person was “sorry for how _________ was received.”
Here’s the thing: that is not an apology. It’s a “qualified apology,” in which someone says something to lessen their responsibility. It’s the same thing as saying, “I’m sorry you felt that way” or “I’m sorry if you were offended.”
To truly apologize, do the following:
Acknowledge what you did. Don’t beat around the bush or speak in generalities. Say exactly what you did and explain that you know it was offensive and hurtful.
If you need to explain the circumstances, do so without making excuses. Share what caused you to do what you did without using it as a crutch for why you did it.
Express your remorse. If you’re sorry, ashamed, embarrassed, etc. then say that without making it about you or making the person you’re apologizing to feel like they need to comfort you.
Ask how you can make it right, and then do it.
It might sound something like, “What I said earlier was hurtful and unkind. I was frustrated, and I let it get the best of me. I am so sorry, and I feel embarrassed knowing that I caused you pain. How can I make this right? Our relationship matters to me.”
Seriously, learn to apologize. Few things will make your relationships better than learning to say you’re sorry.
Also, if you’re looking for excellent communication tips, and how to deal with bad apologies, I recommend this video and this guy!
Recommending
My very talented friend, Sarah, writes Whoorl, and is my beauty guru. For years, Sarah has been cataloging the best makeup and beauty products, and I trust her implicitly.
I have the driest lips on earth, and I was a die hard fan of BITE Beauty’s Agave Lip Mask, which was discontinued (RIP, the saddest). Last week, Sarah wrote about my new favorite lip product, Fenty’s Plush Puddin’ Intense Recovery Lip Mask. It is super effective, wears well, and moisturizes deeply, no matter how dry my lips have been. LOVE.
Have a great week!
Whyyyyy did Bite discontinue that stuff? So many people loved it. I found one in a purse the other day and was thrilled.
Oh! I also just remembered a shitty response to a perfect apology (mine), which gets me thinking that there is also a way to accept an apology properly. Years ago, I upset a family member and so I apologized (in basically the way you outlined above, gold star for me) and the person's response was to double-down and tell me how shitty I had been and they went on and on. So, I would offer that when someone DOES apologize, to just say, "thank you, I accept your apology" or, "thank you, I am not sure I can accept your apology right now, but I appreciate the apology" (OR WHATEVER) and then just move on. No need to remind them how awful they were. They know. Which is why they apologized.